


I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

by hesperia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, MWPP Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 21:25:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/944829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesperia/pseuds/hesperia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Evans," Sirius says, calling her by her old nickname, the one he hasn't ever stopped calling her despite the fact that she's been married to James for almost a year now.  His hand touches her arm, and she looks over at him. "I'm sorry, come on, it's almost midnight. Lets crack that bottle open." He hasn't said it, but Lily knows he's hurt that Remus asked James to go with him instead of Sirius, or without even inviting him. </i>
</p><p> </p><p>title from "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

"Muggle liquor? Lily, it's New Years Eve, you couldn't have sprung for some Ogdens?" Sirius asks when Lily brings the bottle of champagne out from the kitchen with two wine glasses. She hadn't been able to find any of those fancy wine flutes her mum had owned, knowing Petunia, she'd probably snatched them when they divided up the house last year after their father had passed away. 

"Sirius Black, stop being such a pureblood," she teases, handing him the glasses. "This is champagne! It was a New Years Eve tradition when I was growing up, and since James isn't here..." James had been gone the day after Christmas, on another mission for the Order. It was their first New Years in their new flat but Lily hadn't complained when he'd packed a bag and headed off with Remus to who knows where. "Sirius will come by, Lily," James had said. "You won't be alone." She had nodded and kissed his cheek. When they had joined the order she knew these were sacrifices they would all have to make. 

"Evans," Sirius says, calling her by her old nickname, the one he hasn't ever stopped calling her despite the fact that she's been married to James for almost a year now. His hand touches her arm, and she looks over at him. "I'm sorry, come on, it's almost midnight. Lets crack that bottle open." He hasn't said it, but Lily knows he's hurt that Remus asked James to go with him instead of Sirius, or without even inviting him. 

She nods, giving him a smile - albeit a slightly forced one. The radio in the background begins the countdown as Lily pops the top of the bottle, making Sirius laugh when it starts to spill over the top.

"Give me the glasses, you toerag!" Lily laughs, filling the two glasses. Her hands are sticky from the champagne and she leaves fingerprints on the glass when she hands it back to Sirius.

"Happy New Year, Lil," he says, as they clink their glasses together.

"Happy new year, Sirius." Lily sipped her champagne slowly, savouring it, remembering all the New Years eves that she had spent with her family. 

The radio is playing Auld Lang's Syne and Sirius offers her his hand as they dance around the tiny sitting room, ringing in 1980. 

It is well past midnight when they finish the bottle of champagne, Sirius proclaiming that he has been converted, and that not even 30 year old Ogden's is as good as Lily's Muggle champagne. Lily's cheeks are flushed from the drink and she feels so happy in that moment, despite everything this war is doing to them. 

"Lovely Lily," Sirius says, catching her attention. He is sprawled over the other end of the sofa, the top two buttons of his shirt undone to reveal the dip of his throat, warm golden skin covering it. His eyes are hooded, and he's staring at her with a hungry look she's seen him give so many girls before. "So lovely."

"Sirius, you're drunk," she says, laughing, but there's a heat that has bloomed in her chest, spreading down her spine to places it shouldn't - over her breasts, her nipples tightening as it rushes past them and down her belly to between her thighs. 

"And you're beautiful." He pushes himself up from his position on the sofa, moving to kneel in front of her. He doesn't touch her, though she can see his fingers twitching as if they want to. 

"Sirius..." Lily says, and she reaches out to touch him first, to run the tips of her fingers over the soft swell of his mouth, her hand settling over his warm, scruffy cheek. 

"Tell me to go," he pleads, tilting his head into her hand. "Lily, tell me to go away and I will."

She shakes her head, tears suddenly springing in her eyes, her lip trembling as she tries to quell them. Lily's feelings for Sirius had always been inconstant. In school they had started as annoyance, anger at the way he and James would torture those less fortunate students. 

By sixth year Sirius had become the most attractive boy in the whole school and despite her protestations that she thought he was smug, conceited toerag, and she had truly thought that, she hadn't been blind. And maybe part of her had been jealous when Marlene had told her about that one time in the Astronomy tower with Sirius. 

Then there had been James and Seventh year and it wasn't until she was really with James, in love with James, that she had seen the real Sirius. The one who despite being all those things she had already known, was protective, generous, compassionate, and capable of enormous amounts of love. Love that until this moment had seemed so very platonic. 

"Go," she says finally, in a choked whisper. "You should...we can't..." 

He nods, standing and walking past her, not even pausing - no matter how much Lily wished they might and hoped they wouldn't. Lily sits on the sofa long after she hears the door closing behind Sirius as he leaves. Minutes pass, maybe hours even, and she curls up, pressing her face against the arm of the sofa - still warm from the heat of this body, his scent still present on the fabric.

Almost a month passes before Lily sees Sirius again, and she knows without a doubt he has been avoiding her. She knows this because James has seen a lot of Sirius, but never at home, always out with Remus or Peter or the Prewett twins. James always invited her to come along, but Lily konws Sirius won't go if she does and the last thing she wants is for his relationship with James to be strained. The end of the month brings Lily's birthday, and most of the Order is packed into their small flat - Sirius included. 

He arrives with Remus and Dorcas, giving her a quick wave as Dorcas hugs her. For most of the night Lily tries to be too busy to worry about where Sirius is, or more matter of factly where he isn't. But she notices him, the way he stands in the crowd, talking to Gideon or Peter or James. She sees his mouth moving, but his eyes are always roaming around the room, searching. 

It isn't until almost two hours later when Lily finds him alone on the back stoop outside, taking a drag from a the Muggle cigarette. The kind her her father used to smoke, the kind she used to kip from him when she was back for holidays. "Can I have one?" she asks, standing in the doorway. He turns to look at her, watches her for a moment before she steps out of the house and closes the door behind her. It's chillier than she'd thought and she rubs her hands on her arms as she sits down next to him, wishing she'd grabbed the jumper hanging on the back of the door. 

The package Sirius pulls from his leather jacket is slightly crumped, but Lily takes a cigarette, rolling it between her fingers to smooth the creases before bringing it to her lips. The strike of the match startles her, but she holds still as Sirius holds it up to the cigarette, waiting until she inhales to get it going. 

"Thanks," she says, savoring the sweet flavor of the tabacco. "Filthy Muggle habit," she teases. 

Sirus laughs, flicking some ash onto the bottom step. "I have a lot of bad habits," he says, solemnly. "Figured one more couldn't do any more damage." 

"Yeah, like not coming around to see your friends." She doesn't mean to say it out loud, or at least, she doesn't think she does, but it's too late and she can't quite bring herself to look at him after saying that.

Sirius doesn't say anything in response, but she feels him nudge closer to her. His arm comes up to lay across the width of her shoulders, his hand wrapping over her upper arm as he rubs the side of his thumb against her skin. Lily can smell him, a lovely sort of mix of leather and firewhiskey and smoke. She tilts her head to lean against his shoulder, her forehead touching his neck as they continue to sit and smoke, listening to the din of the party inside. Sirius' thumb has not stopped moving, and while there was a comfort to it originally, now it makes her feel ancy, itchy, needy for something she can't, or maybe won't, name. 

"I should go," Lily says, dropping the butt on the stoop and stamping it out. "James will be wondering where I am." 

When she stands and turns to go back into the house his hand closes around her arm, his fingers circling the delicate bones of her wrist. "Evans." He draws her hand to his mouth and presses his lips to the back of her hand. "Happy Birthday," he says, and maybe it's wishful thinking on Lily's part, but it sounds more like _I'm sorry._


End file.
